pancho, dah-link,

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Posted by Alli ( on January 29, 2002 at 19:27:03:

essentially, i think that we agree about "flirting," etc. &, honestly, i can see why a woman so beautiful would fall in love with you. i can see why you warned her about her manner of dressing & men, & i can see how she must have been frustrated with these things & dressed as she did, in spite of it all. i suppose i experienced & acted on that very same frustration a few times in my life in a similar manner as she did, while simultaneously mocking the very thing statement that i was trying to make (as if my opinion made a "difference"). i have felt, in my past, what it is like to lose control of a situation, to be chewed up & spit out by a man-made-machine who will never realize what it was that he did to me, & so, i think that your warning to her about this society was actually a very nice thing. & anyway, through it all i've learned that most situations i encounter require a tailored response... not necessarily completely unique, but whatever it is that i think is appropriate. this is how i regained any sort of "control" in my life. but this is not the way i expect anyone else to be. & in fact, i've learned not to expect anyone to realize anything about me, or even to want to know me. the man-made-machine will never realize what it was that he did to me to its fullest extent, & i can't expect him to ever do this, think this way. i don't expect resolution in my life, anymore.

& honestly, i don't like to think of this world as one that is run by men (or the type of men that most people think are representative of "men" or "men who run the world")... i mean, look at you, pancho you are a "man" creature, & you are completely wonderful in every way i can imagine. perhaps it's that last remnant of innocence that remains to be jaded in me, but i really think that if anything is to blame for the way women are treated, it should be "society" - it is a machine - just as the corporations are & God & the Church were (& still can be) for the past 2,000 years or longer... there are many "machines." in this culture here in the US, at least, it seems that everyone ends up marked by their experiences with the social order, trying vainly to be whatever it is that they think that society dictates while also attempting to retain some sense of "self"... i see innocent & beautiful creatures of both sexes struggle so hard against it at first, most succumbing at some point later in their lives - & we are told that this is "natural" for social creatures. i see people indoctrinated into a subtly & openly manipulative social order... & i still wonder what the "truth" really is sometimes it seems to be somewhere between 2 or more sides, more on one side than the other, or even completely beyond the ranges of human perspectives. it is elusive, & i find myself simultaneously wishing to "see" it & to be blind to it. & i love men & women & animals & plants & anything not alive, even, "equally" (though i do not treat them all the same). i do not - in fact, i refuse to - love the "machine," though. that is what i fight. nothing more.

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