Posted by God (126.96.36.199) on December 29, 2001 at 17:28:54:
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
How Did You Find Out About Your Deity?
Newspaper Bible Torah
Book of Mormon Divine Inspiration Dead Sea Scrolls
Television Tabloid My Mama Told Me
Burning Shrubbery Near Life Experience Near Death Experience
National Public Radio Other (please specify):
Which Model Deity Did You Acquire?
Yahweh Jehovah Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
Krishna Allah Zeus & entourage (Olympus Pak)
Satan Gaia / Earth Mother Odin & entourage (Valhalla Pak)
Jesus Mithra God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
Did Your God Come To You Undamaged, With All Parts In Good Working Order
and With No Obvious Breakage or Missing Attributes?
IF NO, please indicate the problems you initially encountered here. Check all that apply:
Finite/Does not occupy the entire cosmos
Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
Permits sex outside of marriage
Prohibits sex outside of marriage
Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, et al)
Permits bad things to happen to good people
Looks after life other than that on Earth (particularly that galaxy in Virgo full of Jews)
When beseeched, doesn't stay besecheed
Requires: burnt offerings virgin sacrifices foreskins
What Factors Were Relevant In Your Decision to Acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply.
Indoctrinated by parents Needed a reason to live
Indoctrinated by society Needed focus in whom to despise
Imaginary friend grew up Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
Hate to think for myself Wanted to meet girls/boys
Fear of death Wanted to piss off parents
Fear of life Needed a day away from work
Desperate need for certainty Like organ music
Need to feel Morally Superior Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
Shit was falling out of the sky My shrubbery told me to do it
Are You Currently Using Medication?
Have You Ever Worshipped a Deity Before?
If so, please check false god(s) you were fooled by.
Mick Jagger Cthulhu The Almighty Dollar
Bill Gates Left Wing Liberalism The Radical Right
The Sun Baal Ra
The Moon Beelzebub The Designated Hitter Rule
The Great Spirit The Great Pumpkin Cindy Crawford
A burning shrubbery Elvis Dennis Rodman
Tinky Winky Other: _________________
Are You Currently Using Any Other Source of Inspiration Besides God?
Check all that apply.
Tarot Astrology Lottery
Television Fortune cookies Ann Landers
Dianetics Palmistry Psychic Friends Network
Self-help books Biorhythms Masturbation
Alcohol Bill Clinton Hollywood
Tea Leaves EST CompuServe
Mantras Jimmy Swaggert Crystals
Human Sacrifice Pyramids Wandering around the desert
Insurance policies Burning shrubbery Tinky Winky
Barney Fife Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll Other:
God Employs a Limited Degree of Divine Intervention to Preserve a Balanced Level of Felt Presence and Blind Faith. Your Preference Is?
Check all that apply.
More Divine Intervention Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
Less Divine Intervention Don't know... what's Divine Intervention?
God Also Attempts to Maintain a Balanced Level of Disasters and Miracles...
Please rate on a scale of 1-5 his handling of the following (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent).
_____ Flood _____ Famine _____ Earthquakes
_____ War _____ Pestilence _____ Plague
_____ SPAM _____ AOL _____ Plague
_____ Rescues _____ Spontaneous remissions
_____ Crying statues _____ Stars hovering over jerkwater towns
_____ Water changing to wine _____ Water changing to ice
_____ Walking on water _____ VCRs that set their own clocks
_____ Saddam Hussein still alive _____ Getting any sex whatsoever
Do You Have Any Additional Comments or Suggestions For Improving The Quality of God's Services?
(Attach an additional sheet if necessary)
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes at least 30 days before the Rapture, you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 1023, depending on number of beings entered).
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