The Trial

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Posted by panch from ( on Monday, March 25, 2002 at 10:42PM :

Scene: Superior Court of the State of California, County of Santa Clara, City of San Jose.

Date: You wish!

Enter attorneys for Defendent Parhad and Plaintif Bejan...with clients. Jury takes its seat, officers and clerks of the court present. Judge enters (all rise and seated)...clerk calls court in session.

Judge calls session to order, asks attorney for Bejan to resume from previous day.

BejAT: Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like to welcome you back for the third week of testimony in this peculiar case. I say peculiar because never has a court been asked to sit in judgement on matters quite so, so, arcane yet of such great moment too for you must know that you are being asked to decide issues at Law seldom, if ever arising, and through which we must hope to establish a precedent for what will surely become the first of many such cases to be brought before the Bar of Justice.

If I might refresh your memories we left off, before the weekend, with a discussion of one of the charges against defendent Parhad, that being that he slandered my client by claiming that she "threw her ass out there for him". I trust you have had ample time to think of just what is at stake here and what the consequences could be...

ParAT: (rising) Your honor I must protest, counsel is leading the jury by informing them they should be drawing conclusions before the evidence is completely presented.

Judge: Sustained. You will not ask them to think of plaintif Bejan's ass during their off hours, nor draw any conclusions about it one way or the other.

BejAT: Very well your honor. Ladies and gentlemen, we were trying to see if there was any real evidence that my client threw her ass at Mr. Parhad. I would submit that as Ms Bejan appears to be intact in every way, she could not have actually thrown anything away. My esteemed adversary will say therefore that this comment was in the nature of a satire, or figure of speech and we are willing to grant that. However, there is also implied in this comment, as well as others we submitted earlier for the court's consideration, the suggestion that my clients ass "hangs" out there and could therefore be seen as continually and precipitously fixed in such a way as to be made to look as if it were ABOUT to be thrown.

It is our position that my client's ass is a normal one, and its position on her body, both as to distance from the floor or extending beyond a fixed point on her body, is no more nor less than that of any other woman of comprable age, height and build.

ParAT: (rising) Your honor there is no known standard or test for normal or "far out" asses that I have been able to discover, therefore counsels statement that Ms Bejan has a normal ass comes under the category of opinion and cannot be allowed to stand unchallenged.

Judge: Good point. Does counsel for plaintif have any evidence of an objective measure of an ass that "hangs" as opposed to one that presumably does not? Silence in the court!

Bej AT: Your Honor we are prepared to posit that such a standard does indeed informally exist as stated in the guidlines for the normal range of body proportions according to height, weight, age and sex, of course, published by the Surgeon General's Office handbook for this calendar year. In your copy you will find on page 143 a diagram and chart of the female and male torso, frontal, dorsal and lateral view complete with measurements covering an acceptable range for "normal" well as at both extremes. We have secured the services of Ms Bejan's personal physician who has made the necessary calculations, which are contained in supplementary form marked A3 before you.

ParAT: I must object your Honor. There is no scientific connection between measurements intended for health guidelines and any implication of an ass being set and ready to throw...rather, to "entice". If the court will permit, we are talking apples and asses here.

BejAT: Regardless your Honor, my client's ass is well within the norms set by the Surgeon General, therefore there is nothing in any way out of the ordinary about Ms Bejans ass, and to say there is consitutes slander, we feel. Your Honor I would like to bring Ms Bejan back to the stand at this time.

(Ms Bejan rises to approach, is reminded that she has been previously sworn in and takes her seat at the witness chair.)

BejAT: Ms Bejan has your ass always been more or less positioned on your body in the same location it is today? I mean it has not moved either out or in, up or down since, say, you first turned 18?

Bej: It has not moved.

BejAT: And has anyone ever accused you of placing it out there for any purpose whatsoever, except of course unless you did so intentionally?

Ms Bejan: No, no one has

ParAT: Your Honor that does not satisfy, for it implies that Ms Bejan COULD put her ass somewhere other than where it usually is, IF she so wanted to...which is exactly what my client claims she did in regards to him.

Judge: Ms Bejan am I to understand you to mean that you can and have "done" things such as move or put your ass in some other location in regards to your body?

Ms Bejan: I don't understand the question. I am not able to remove it, or shift it around or stick it out any further from my body than would be normnal for me.

ParAT: Your Honor I think I see a way we can settle this issue. If Ms Bejan can be shown to be unable physically to move her ass a significant distance out of the ordinary position it occupies on her body, that would be proof somewhat that she could not have placed it "out there" as my client claims she did on several occasions. Would plaintif agree to have her doctor test or measure for us just how much she can put her ass out anywhere? I am afraid that we would insist on having the test conducted in presence of counsel.

Judge: Before you protest, let me say that I have spent about all the time I want to on this particular subject and I'll order the jury to be excused while whatever measeurement you propose takes place.

(A spirited debate takes place between Ms Bejan and her attorney with much grimacing and pleading on her part. Defendent Parhad can be seen smiling)

BejAT: Your Honor we agree once the courtroom is cleared, to proceed. I will ask the doctor to select criteria we can agree upon and get this over with as quickly as possible. I intend to lodge a formal complaint after trial is concluded.

Judge: Duly will you proceed.

(What follows consists of Ms Bejan moving down before the bench and removing her shoes. Doctor produces a ruler, a string and a weight from his bag. The string is attached to the weight and dangles from the outermost end of Ms bejan's ass, straight down to a point on the ruler...which Ms Bejan is standing on in such a way as it extends backwards from her heel. The weight therefor forms a straight line down from the farthest point of protuberance of Ms Bejans buttocks to a point on the ruler...measuring how far out her ass sticks out from the back of her heel. This measurement is taken from the ruler...divided by Pi and the sqquare root of the result taken to arrive at a figure of 3.67 plus or minus .07.)

Judge: Well...what conclusion do you draw?

Doctor: Your Honor, I concluded sometime ago that there is just no way to decide such a thing scientifically. The best I can do is say that Ms Bejans butt extends out from behind no more than any equally endowed woman's would.

Judge: Gentlemen, this is indeed absurd...I don't know why I went with it this far. Doctor do you think it would be at all possible for Ms Bejan to do anything with her ass such as has been alleged here? this point I lost interest.

-- panch
-- signature .

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