Once Upon a Time. . .

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Posted by Guy Russell from dialup- ( on Monday, August 18, 2003 at 10:07PM :

Once upon a time there lived a president of the richest and most powerful country in the world. President Saddam Hussein and his friends governed Iraq - and they were the richest and most powerful of all.

Across the world was a poor nation called the United States. It was run by a cruel, evil tyrant called George Bush. George was evil but his ruthless treatment of opponents and his efficient propaganda machine kept him in power. His Republican Guard was fanatically loyal and owed everything to him. The Republican Party, which was dominated by George's family, was the bedrock of his terrorist regime.

"George Bush is hated by his people," Saddam's advisers assured him. "They didn't elect him - he's a dictator. He's embroiled his country in many aggressive wars. And he's got chemical and nuclear weapons of mass destruction. And he's got strong links to al-CIAda. Oh, and he's got oil."

Iraq had plenty of oil of its own, of course, but Saddam and his friends wanted more, so that they could… have bigger cars and bigger palaces, and stuff.

Saddam massed his awesome, hi-tech army down in Mexico. His gleaming warships sailed into the Gulf. His deadly warplanes took off from the bases of his sincere and moderate British ally, Tony Blair.

"We are here to liberate the American people from their evil government." Saddam reassured the free Iraqi media from Camp Goliath. "We're not here to kill Americans. We're going to fight for as long as it takes."

Saddam's super-accurate weaponry started by demolishing the buildings that symbolised the regime. The Pentagon was flattened. The Empire State Building was demolished. The twin towers of the Ministry of Trade were precision-targeted and reduced to rubble.

Then his powerful, super-modern tanks swept across the border into the oil-rich province of Texas. They rumbled along the highway up the country towards New York. Meanwhile the British tanks swept across the desert towards Los Angeles.

Millions of leaflets were dropped. "We bring peace and prosperity," they said. "Rise up against evil George Bush and get a free Falafel and Mint Tea™."

On the state-controlled Fox Television, George Bush was defiant. "We will resist the Iraqi aggressors," he declared. "And as for the British, we kicked them out before, and we'll do so again. We're going to fight for as long as it takes."

Over in California, the British were indeed having a rough time. "Everyone here carries a gun," said Lieutenant-Colonel Hugo Forshaw-Puck. "And they jolly well keep shooting at us!"

They had expected the Californians to rise up against George Bush's government. "Californians are a different religious group to the rest of America," military intelligence had informed them. "They are not Baptists. They worship a different god, called Mammon. In Los Angeles eleven years ago the people tried to rebel. But they were brutally suppressed by al-CIAda and the Republican National Guard."

"I agree with whatever Saddam says," declared Tony Blair sincerely and moderately to the free, state-controlled BBC television. "We must obliterate George Bush - but moderately."

Meanwhile the Iraqis were busy pacifying the rest of the United States. Progress was steady but slow. Bombing the twin towers had been a mistake.

Incomprehensibly, it had strengthened the resolve of the Americans, rather than broken it. Across the country Iraqi peace-keeping forces were being harassed by the fanatical irregular troops of the National Rifle Association.

Other nations were horrified at the war. "This Moslem jihad is trying to annihilate the Christian World!" fulminated the fundamentalist religious leader Billy Graham, from his secret hideout. "I declare a crusade!" croaked the Pope. "We support whoever's winning," said the nearby Canadian Government nervously. "This is all going to end in disaster," said liberal opinion. "Anyone want to buy some nukes?" said the Russians.

Every day for several weeks, the President made patriotic speeches, saying that the war had reached a 'crucial stage'. The President's friends made more speeches, saying that 'victory was certain.' The President accused the other President of lies, of war crimes, of biased TV coverage and of being like Hitler, Satan and Donald Rumsfeld combined.

Hundreds of Iraqis died, and hundreds of thousands of Americans. Dallas, Philadelphia and the Midwest were normalized with cluster-bombs, depleted uranium and the rounding up of American office-workers and farmers. UN relief workers flew in some pitta-bread and copies of 'Iraq Today'.

Finally only the New Yorkers were left resisting. They had undergone starvation, bombardment, power cuts and serious outbreaks of cholera without giving in.

Saddam Hussein therefore regularized them with his weapons of mass destruction - having claimed, cleverly, that the weapons had been unleashed in desperation by George Bush. After raising the Iraqi flag over the U.S., his conquering army symbolically tore down the huge statue of Laura Bush on Ellis Island.

"This is a victory for democracy and freedom!" declared Saddam from Babylon. "We are a peaceful, oil-loving people. We love justice, freedom and the Iraqi way of life!"

Saddam immediately installed one of his sons to run the United States. Falafel and Mint Tea™ restaurants appeared everywhere. Oil flowed out of Texas into huge tankers bound for Iraq. The evil Bush family were executed. And everyone - except the countries Saddam attacked next, and anyone else he didn't like, and the poor, and Christians, and all the dead people, of course - lived happily ever after…

-- Guy Russell
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