Posted by Jeff from d53-106-196.try.wideopenwest.com (188.8.131.52) on Sunday, December 01, 2002 at 1:47AM :
Report: Iraq Converts to Christianity
Vows to "Turn the Other Cheek" in Event of U.S. Attack
C Evan Swaine
---BAGHDAD, IRAQ--- With the pressure mounting to cease weapons manufacturing, and the imminent threat of a U.S. invasion, it was reported that Saddam Hussein, along with all of the roughly 23 million citizens of Iraq, have been born again.
With the new national religion and way of life in place, Iraq has adopted an alternate view on foreign policy as well.
"We took a long look at ourselves and realized that we were in a no-win situation." Said Iraqi Foreign Minister Naji Sabri at a press conference today. "Our people were unhappy, and even the secret mass-production of biological and chemical weapons failed to give us the sense of security and well-being we were reaching for. Luckily for us, [American missionary] Karen [Abernathy] was here. She showed us that what was missing from our lives wasn't something, but rather someone."
Sabri then revealed a silver cross around his neck, as well as bracelet emblazoned with the letters WWJD. "I am pleased to say that the people of Iraq have placed this situation squarely in Jesus' hands."
Despite Iraq's claim of its new Christian spiritual awareness, the rest of the world still remains dubious. "If these reports we're hearing our true, of course we are very happy for them." Said White House press secretary Ari Fleischer. "However, at this time we are not sure if this is a true reformation on the part of Saddam Hussein and his people, or just another stall tactic to delay the U.S. response to Iraq's UN violations."
Fleischer then went on to cite reasons for the U.S. skepticism on this matter. "We are continuing to monitor the situation in Iraq, and place calls to Baghdad daily to measure their response. Hearing of the religious reformation, we were cautiously optimistic about today's call, but the diplomat on the other end just started singing "Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore" at the top of his lungs until we were forced to hang up. This response is definitely different, but not necessarily better."
Iraq, for its part, remains convinced that its new outlook is the correct one. "We stand behind our conviction that our country, as well as the whole world, will be saved by the three most powerful entities in the universe - the father, the son, and the holy ghost." Said Sabri. "The U.S. can certainly bomb us if they feel they must, it would be understandable, if Unchristian. However, I would urge President Bush to turn to the teachings of Jesus Christ, who said 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.'
"Would you like to be spied on and bombed, Mr. Bush? Would you? Think hard, and answer from your heart." Sabri continued.
Despite these pleas from Iraq, the U.S. will reportedly continue to follow along its current path, demanding Iraqi disarmament with invasion as the repercussion for refusal. "While we respect their Christian beliefs, this will not stop us from pursuing the course initiated by President Bush and approved by Congress. Foreign policy is not determined by religious affiliation." Said Fleischer.
In response to Fleischer's statements, Saddam Hussein released the following statement. "The U.S. can feel free to blow up our nation into a billion pieces if they see fit, but let the world know that if they do, every piece will be saying 'I love you.' They can come over here with guns and tanks, and we will give them flowers and hugs. Jesus has given us the power to see the beauty in all of G-D's creatures."
"Except for the Jews. We still hate them." The statement concluded.
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