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=> Vikings Deducks

Posted by parhad (Guest) - Friday, June 11 2004, 18:39:06 (CEST)
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When Helen Nimrod commissioned me to make protraits of ten Assyrian kings I began with Sargon The Great...okay, he wasn`t Assyrian but then neither is MarDinkha so give us all a break.

Simple research...as in "LOOK"!!! showed me that Naram-Sin, Sargon`s grandson, wore a helmet with double bull horns...so I made Sargon wearing the same helmet...in fact the helmet his grandson wears on that famous stelle could have been the same one...like a crown is passed down etc.

I sent a photo of the piece in bronze to Helen...she called to say she was displeased..that her expert...Homer Ashurian nee Simpson...said I`d mistakenly placed a Viking helmet on an Assyrian. I sent evidence..she persisted...said the whole commission for ten kings was giving her second thoughts..being a greedy bastard and out to make as much money as I could, I agreed to cut the horns off...and there he sits in the basement of their museum with what turns out to be a real Viking helmet after all...as new research revealed in a Time Magazine article of a few years back told the startling news that Vikings NEVER had horns on their helmets which, even if they had, were pre-dated by the Assyrians by a couple of thousand years..but never mind.

Some enterprising designer in Paris around the turn of the century or so visited the Louvre...saw the stelle of Naram-Sin and figured horns on helmets looked nifty...and a legend was born..and we STILL didn`t get the credit...and years later, Homer Simpson...stewed to the gills in contemporary culture, is convinced the Vikings had horns on their helmets but NOT the Assyrians.

The real motiove behind all of this was to get Helen to lose confidence in me and cancel the entire commission. The people she paid to run Assyria were always out for an extra buck and very careful with her money, carefull that she not spend it elsewhere. Helen was not an extravagant woman...she didn`t toss money around and you know how we are..convinced we deserve legitimate rights to the property of others...There was consternation in the nation that all this money was suddenly flowing out West to a stupid artist bum and in the time honored strategy Hannabanana just spelled out...Homer and Jonh Dingbat too, decided if they couldn`t get Helen`s money then I wasn`t going to either...if they can`t get their way, no one else should get their`s...which is why their Assyria looks like a basement or a garage madrassah. Even when they GET their way they produce shit...when they see someone else able to create something worthy they REALLY go hyper..it`s the one time they aren`t passive.

Well the funny upshot is that Narsai has a copy of that Sargon but I left the horns on..Narsai can be reasonable, besides I wasn`t taking them off again. All Homer achieved was to get what he said I mistakenly made...an Assyrian king with a Viking Helmet on! Such are the wages of "victory" in Assyria.

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