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=> A Horny Tale

A Horny Tale
Posted by beezelbub (Guest) - Sunday, July 17 2005, 18:32:21 (CEST)
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(gotcha grair!)

...I think I'll ridicule Assria again by holding up a mirror to it.

This is the saga of the "Horns of Sargon of Akkad"...a cautionary tale about handing out certificates designating the holder as an "expert" on things Assyrian...it tells the story of a sculpture and Homer Ashurian...who, for the sake of greater accuracy, will be known henceforth as Homer Simpson.

Our story begins one day around 1995 when yoors trooli receives a commission from the late Helen Nimrod James Schwarten of Chicago. Helen wants ten bronze portraits of Assyrian Kings for her collection. I, the humble sculptor, begin with Sargon of Akkad, Sargon the Great...who isn't exactly Assyrian but then who is.

Some weeks later I finish the portrait. I chose to show Sargon in his helmet...and there being no photos of said helmet...I did what I considered to be the next best thing...I took the design for a helmet from the famous stelle of Naram-Sin, the grandson and successor of Sargon. On that steele you can clearly see that Naram-Sin is wearing a helmet with double horns. On our bas-reliefs you see the same design in various combinations...but it's clear that the bas-relief is a flat version of what were extended horns...sticking out in space.

I photo the sculpture and send it to Helen for her comments. She calls back a few days later rather upset. She says this is all wrong...that her expert on Assyrian art and history, Homer Simpson, told her I had placed a Viking helmet on an Assyrian king...silly me!

A little background would help...both John Nimrod and Homer Simpson believed Helen's money should have been used only to support them and whatever the hell it is the AUA does. Helen had already purchased a bust of the head of Ashurbanipal from the monument and they didn't want to see any more of "their" money flowing West.

Helen said she had doubts now about the entire commission...a sizeable chunk of change but more than that, something rather important I wanted to do.

I tried reasoning with her...telling her that the design is clearly shown on Assyrian sculpture at a time when the Vikings were merely a gleam in some Hottentot's eye..and if the Vikings adopted it later, that too was something important to show the world..that here, as well, we came first...so where else were we first and etc.

I got her to hold off making a final decision and sending her a blow-up of the photos, circling the double horns extending OUT from the helmet...I said in them hairy old days people took pride in permanance...in passing traditions down to succeeding generations...that it wan't like today where yesterday's fashion is outmoded by noon. It seemed a safe bet to me that the helmet worn by Naram-Sin was the EXACT same one worn by his grandfather...that they would not have changed styles in one generation...much as a king's crown is passed down. She was beginning to understand but still felt she had to honor a man who'd been awarded a certificate by the AUA in Australia for his vast knowledge etc.

It came down to her insisting I cut the horns off the helmet or she didn't want the piece. Every instinct told me to forget it but, as usual, I argued with myself, in this case that there were nine more portraits at stake...a wonderful opportunity to create something never before attempted and I'd be a fool to pass it up...besides which and as I had only just met Helen, I was certain that by the time a year rolled round, she'd agree to put the horns back on.

So, I cut the horns, welded over the spot and shipped the piece off. Then I got started on the others and we never had a disagreement after that...Homer Simpson had won a battle but lost the war.

A few years after that when the commission had been completed and I was on to other things..I happened to be back in Detroit for a meeting with members of the Chaldean community over concerns about how I was depicting Hammurabi in the moneument I was making for their city.

I was at a store buying heroin when I noticed the latest issue of Time Magazine on a rack...and there right on the cover, was a rendition of a Viking with his helmet..and there were NO horns on it! The magazine contained a lengthy article about recent discoveries and research about the Vikings and also listed several myths about them...the one that caught my eye was that they NEVER had horns on their helmets.

The article stated that much as there would be Tutmaina some years later, there was a time, when opera raged, that everyone was enchanted with Valkyries and Nordic legends...and that was when the myth of horns on helmets began...the irony is that no doubt a young stage designer visited the Louvre, saw the Steele os Naram-Sin and thought horns on helmets was cool...and so from then on the world and Homer Simpson, believed this concoction.

You would have thought that my argument that the Assyrians were cleary first, would have convinced Helen...but I suspect Homer said something like, "people will laugh at our king all the same for they will be reminded of Vikings".

A year or two later I had to cast another Sargon and this time I left the horns on. And today...Helen has in her collection, thanks to an Assyrian "expert" with a certificate too...a "Sargon the Great" wearing a REAL Viking helmet for, gentle reader, if you ever see a real Viking helmet you'll recognize it as the exact same one Helen's Sargon is wearing...with No horns.

So...does my pointing out what Homer Simpson did MAKE him the fool...or was he that all along?



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