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=> Cellular Solution

Cellular Solution
Posted by Emil (Guest) squaremoon@emilsdiary.com - Monday, October 31 2005, 0:44:03 (CET)
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Website title: Square Moon Diary of Emil Keliane

Maggie, Farid, Jeff, Tony, and others,
I LOVE the idea of each of us being a catalyst, which I believe in wholeheartedly. Everything we do, say, and believe seems to ripple in the universe, even if we don't believe in such NONESENSE.
How could it not?
We are each a part of this great big cosmos, like living cells in the nervous system of a wild animal, or a grain of sand on an endless stretch of beach on a desert island.
If we keep believing we are crippled and the world is AGAINST us then surely we will be frozen still by our self-centered fear, refusing light and solution, and accusing others of not offering it to US.
I had a dream once that I was in a wheelchair, everyone around me telling me I was crippled. And when I attempted to stand up, just try at least, my family ran to me protesting, insisting I remain seated. "You're going to fall and hurt yourself," they warned. They, too, believed I was crippled.
But I did not let up and knew in my heart that I could do it, that I would walk, and much to their amazement I did... in the dream and in my waking life.
I know what it's like to half-live believing the lies I was force-fed by my own guardians- that if I insisted on being gay I would be doomed to a life of suffering and darkness, shame and loneliness; and as long as I WILLINGLY lived by this phantom model their curse did hinder my personal evolution.
And I spent my twenties traipsing to the edge of untimely death. I took what I was told and used it as a map to my demise.
Luckily I only died a figurative death, not a literal one- which I had come to desire. I can't imagine having succeeded in giving up completely!
Because what was to follow was nothing short of a small, cellular, quiet, personal miracle- a solution, if you will.
I got sober and in the process of rehabilitation began to unlearn and unbelieve the lies, and promptly came to recognize the boldfaced verbal admonitions and teachings of my parents and my community as ABUSE- cloaked of course and dripping with HOLY WATER.
And even today, the less I CHOOSE to believe that I am unloveable because I have not followed THE ASSYRIAN PATH, the freer and healthier I feel in the most spiritual and simple of ways.
Farid portentiously mentioned the misconception that our parents OWN us! I have thought very much about this as I tend to feel Assyrian parents, especially, are watchful, stringent, heavyhanded and CONTROLING!
In my own case I know that my mother's will onto us was quite realistically ABUSIVE, bringing me up in an atmosphere that not only suggested she was entitled to rein over my emotional well-being, but enforced and instilled this by being cyclically over-protective and simultaneously indifferent and emotionally vacant, absent.
Of course she didn't INVENT this psychological drama. It was painstakingly taught to her through despotic generations where the lines between Assyrian mothers and their sons and daughters lacked definition, and boundaries remained an emotionally lethal barter.
Assyrian mothers, as I have come to experience and understand it, seem to say- "We will LOVE you UNCONDITIONALLY, that is of course until WE DECIDE you have failed/wronged/disappointed/shamed US, whereupon we will promptly punish you either in a deeply passive-aggressive fashion, or, if we happen to be in the mood in a frightfully histrionic and public way!"
I've often wondered if Assyrian mothers are so overcontrolling because in their personal lives and in their collective history in general the Assyrian Woman has not typically been allowed to make her own decisions, shape her own destiny, fulfil her own dreams and needs. She has merely been passed from her father's home to her husband's. Naturally she is angry and resentful. Depressed and defensive.
I understand.
I also think that in an overarching way, because of our unfulfilled need to maipulate and cultivate our OWN land we have projected these very primEVIL urges onto one another- husband on wife, wife on child, adult-child on adult-child, and so on and so forth...
We are not an endangered species but a dangerous one! Dangerous mostly to ourselves, of course.
My parents have not LOVED me. They have attempted to MOLD and CONTROL my destiny to their LIMITED understanding. I was not to think for myself and make decisions based on trust in the universe and leaps of faith. I was to live a small, SAFE life. Want for myself only what they wanted for me. Never mind WHO I REALLY WAS, that I possessed an IDENTITY that was more brilliant and greater than what they could have ever imagined for me.
Striving for safety, of course I am learning, at least in an emotional and spiritual sense, is just tempting graver injuries!
I have an obligation to stop the cycle- at least the one that plagues my family history.
This... one, quiet, cellular, and very dear personal solution...



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