The Inside Assyria Discussion Forum #5

=> Re: My Apology To Jackie Bejan

Re: My Apology To Jackie Bejan
Posted by pancho (Guest) - Wednesday, March 21 2007, 21:49:48 (CET)
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lamassu wrote:
>Fred,
>
>Are you crazy??? You have not overcome your insane state of mind.
>Why don't you just make her another sculpture to enjoy and get over it?
>
>Move on chaps with your head held high and no regrets...

..it isn`t human to have no regrets. Perhaps you meant I should ignore my conscience? I don`t think people quite understood...I said if it were to do over again, I would do the same...I explained that I got to such a state of mind because I inisted on remaining within the community nuthouse too long...that after a certain point we ALL become crazy...not just me. I`m just one of the very few to admit it...as I`m one of the weird ones who now believes that this Assyrian business was exactly what Dr Joseph describes...a huge hoax. That does NOT mean I don`t feel Assyrian inside of me...it just means that being Nestorian or Catholic or Muslim is no marker for having the Heritage find its way to the surface through you-...there are many who feel and than ACT Assyrian...or Chaldean or Babylonian or Aramean...doesn`t matter...we share a common feeling form centuries ago...sort of the way you find some people enraptured by Renaissance times...or the Medieval Age...or Science Fiction...don`t know what to call it...but in my case I know I always suspected this Assyrian thing was nonsense...but I also know something grabbed me by the back of my neck...something to do with Ashur...and the result shows in almost 30 years of work.

I apologized to Jackie, not from guilt but to take responsibility for having allowed myself get into such a bind as a result of what these Nestorians were doing to the one person they met in their lives who was actually LIVING..as in "making a living" from being Assyrian...who rested his entire life`s work and welfare of his family on his Assyrian Heritage...and it made them nervous and afraid...If I ever let myself get that way again, I will do exactly as I did to another Jackie...but I`ll try very hard to avoid getting there.

Accepting responsibillity isn`t the same as allowing guilt to enter...I am responsible for what I did...and insofar as I did it in a state of extreme pressure, I understand and accept it...but I can still be sorry after the fact...like allowing yourself to get caught in a position from which you can only escape through killing someone who is trying to kill you...you can realize later that you were wrong to go where you had no business being..where the odds were good, if you had stopped to think, that someone would try to kill you...of course you were right to defend yourself...even at the price of killing the one out to kill you...but it still doesn`t mean you don`t feel regret.

My great unlce, Babajan Malek was personal bodyguard to Agha Petrous...he was with him from the very beginning and all the way to exile in France..leaving for America only when his beloved general died. When he was at the end of his life he and I formed a close bond. I visited him daily at the nursing center in Turlock where he would finally die. He asked me more than once to kill him, to spare him from the humiliation of the nurses and their jolly attitudes...and from diapers and baby food.

He used to cry...weep like a child at times...and you`d have to know his legendary exploits and bravery to appreciate this...I would ask why he wept so...he replied that he could not be at peace...that he felt god could not forgive him for the murders he had committed during their war...he had personally executed men in groups of ten and thirty...traitors...enemy soldiers...but human beings with wives and children and parents...I told him it was wartime, that it was kill of be killed...of course he knew all of that...but when the end comes...and you square accounts with your own soul, screw god...you find any crime or even act of careless cruelty you committed...any one at all, to weigh heavily.

I hope that makes it clearer.



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