Historical Accuracy Committee

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Posted by pancho ( on January 16, 2002 at 12:17:06:

Here’s a conversation between the head of the Assyrian Historical Accuracy Committee and a representative of a major American city pertaining to the desire of said committee to install an Assyrian monument.

NOTE: To all patriots, the abbreviation “Ass” and “Non Ass” are not pejorative…they simply stand for “Assyrian” and “Non Assyrian”.

Ass: As you can seeing, we have given you picture of great statue of our great king, and sure he looks just great.

Non Ass: Yes, I can see the photograph you’ve given us showing a statue of the great king Hammurabi that is in the Louvre. What will your monument look like?

Ass: Like dat.

Non Ass: Exactly like this?

Ass: Dat’s right…pretty good huh?

Non Ass: Well yes…I mean the original one is pretty impressive indeed, especially when you consider the developmental stage in regards to the technological levels and aesthetic concerns attained by those people so long ago, but…

Ass: Dat’s right, dat’s right.

Non Ass: But, well what I meant was…what have you done differently, I mean what have you to show for all the years since then…ah… I mean, well…will you be copying this design EXACTLY?

Ass: Dat’s “exactly” right…Heh heh, joke, you know.

Non Ass: Perhaps if I were to explain the city policy regarding monuments on public lands. We have set aside certain locales specifically for art projects where there would be maximum exposure with the least distractions such as commercial properties, billboards, traffic, that sort of thing. We want people to be able to enjoy these works free from the kinds of things that might get in the way, things all too frequent in any urban setting today…in other words, some pretty choice real estate…

Ass: Dat’s right, dat’s right.

Non Ass: Yes, well, and this special property set aside for these sorts of things is some pretty desirable and expensive property, as small as it might be…there are companies and other groups that would be very happy indeed to pay almost any amount to get it, or rent it, or be allowed to put anything on it, you see, and so we want to be certain to put such desirable land to the best possible use…

Ass: Dat’s right, dat’s right.

Non Ass: Well, and so…you see…if people could so inside the Museum over there or in another city and see the original to this piece you want to put up here as a monument, a “contemporary” expression of… you know…your culture and all of that…as it exists NOW…

Ass: Dat’s right, dat’s right.

Non Ass: What I’m getting at is, don’t you think you could give us a more modern and unique version…maybe an interpreta…

Ass: Oh no…no, no, no…no vey!

Non Ass: Yes but, I mean…why would the city, I don’t mean me personally, I LOVE the way you copied this piece, so faithfully…but why would the city want to duplicate a piece already in a museum…especially in a museum in another city…you see what I’m getting at? This is 2001 and we thought, we were hoping…I mean we assumed, I mean we just supposed that… that you would have, you know, having such a rich culture and all…that you would have produced one artist at least…I mean any number of artists who could…you know…show us something new about wha…

Ass: New!! What you mean new? Hammurabi is not NEW…he is OLD. You can see what he look like…right there…there in the Louvre catalogue see…with that cute hat and nice long robe…that is our Great King. What you mean “new”? Where was you born anyvey?

Non Ass: New Jer…I don’t see what that has to do with it, I was merel…

Ass: You vote for Bush? He great man…my president… or you vote for that Nader Arab guy???

Non Ass: Well no…I didn’t vo…just a minute here, this has nothing to do with it…we were talking about your monument.

Ass: Dat’s right, dat’s right.

Non Ass: …and I was just saying that I think it would be more appropriate to our purposes, yours and ours, if we and you, of course, could add to… or extend what is known about your culture from over 3000 years ago… and that the city might be more favorably disposed…I mean after all this original museum piece was original 3000 years ago and was quite a feat for the artists of that day, don’t get me wrong… (oh Jeezus!)…haven’t you done ANYTHING in all that time…because, ah… well, you know… a copy of a great piece IS after all still only a copy, and we were hoping that you could have, I mean 3000 years is a long time after all, and well, for such a rich culture and everything, couldn’t you have…I mean not that you weren’t trying in all those years…but, after all…is this the best that you can do…I mean..

Ass: Dat’s right, dat’s right. Hey, vas your father Iraqi by some means?

Note: I have no way of knowing what the outcome of this meeting was for I wasn’t there.

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