Laredo Blues

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Posted by parhad ( on October 17, 2001 at 18:02:25:

Ever spend any time in Texas? We're stuck for two days now because our horse is an Arab. Well, they wont come out and say so, they say his papers weren't just right, but we know what it really is.

Couple of days ago in New Mexico at 4 in the morning the ball on the trailer hitch fell off and the horse trailer hit the highway, front end first, at 60 miles and hour. Thje cahin held and we were able to sashay to a halt. The horse looked like Hanna must after I get done with him each day, but other than that, all was fine. Scared the horsesit out of both us I can tell you that.

So we patch it together and hobble off at 10 miles an hour and as luck would have it we're near a city and there's a hospital, so we unhitch the trailer, pat the horse's ass, you have to do reasures them, had a girlfrie...never we speed off to find a truck stop where they might sell chrome balls so we can continue on our way, and the kids are worried about the horse left there alone and we screech to a halt at a truckers stop outside of town... I run in like mad and yell out to the clerk, "Do you have any balls???"

You don't exactly have to know Texas or truck drivers to understand how that went over. We got one later at another place and continued on.

Here in Laredo we played Border Crossing one entire day. Turns out that the zillion we spent on Vet eaxms and shots and papers mailed here and there and typed out just right, weren't enough. We have to have a Mexican Vet check the horse too, and we need a broker to handle the paperwork, which means also that the papers have to be re-done in his name and so we have to leave the horse at his own Motel run by the Texas Agriculture Department where, like in most any Motel, the neighbors are pigs and cows, so he's understandably pissed off cause Arabs are proud, people AND horses, so today we find him running around the corral in mad circles sweating and about 40 pounds lighter.

They told us yesterday the whole thing would take a day but today it seems the Mexican Vet, Dr. Slimey...I kid you not, that is his name...quit work early to play golf or play with Nurse Sleazy's golfs, and the papers aren't signed so we have to come back heard of Manana???

Only problem is we drove down to Monterrey in Mexico about 150 miles to drop off the seven cats and one dog and EVERYTHING in the trailer and car cause by law you can't transport a single goddamn thing in the same trailer OR we found a motel outside of town with garages, which was great cause we locked up the dog and cats and motorcylce and all else...spent a smelly night and raced back to the USA only to hear Manana..and like good fools we didn't bring a change of clothing and you get the strangest odor, and stains...working with a horse, not to mention the rest of the here we are, the sun sets on smelly us and we have to find a motel, meanwhile 150 miles away our animals are yowling away for supper and the motel people figure we skipped out or got killed and they'll probably cook and eat the animals and ride the cycle to hell where they all belong!!

Now we did manage to cross over several of the four bridges they've built across the Rio Grande, but were turned back because we didn't have a broker the first time to handle the papers, and for other reasons all day long.. We found out the horse had to stay overnight, but figured we'd go across again and dunp all our gear at the house in San Miguel and come for the horse the next day. So we crossed at bridge number two, we had done "four" the first time. We get over to the Mexican side again but this time they don't like the horseshit left in the trailer...they're real picky about that stuff in Mexico. I just stared at the three guards and four boy-soldiers with machine guns...then I looked around me, as if to say "you mind a little more shit AROUND HERE"?? But they did, so back we had to go, and I have to remind you that crossing into the US is a lot harder and takes a lot longer, so for the second time that day we sat in traffic waiting to answer dumb got so they remembered us.

This crossing there was some excitement as of a sudden a Mexican guy bolted past the US customs and took off for the Mexican side like a Mexican running for Mexico, with twenty or so US agents huffing and puffing behind him...he made it across all right but because the two countries "cooperate" (which means America pays off) they stopped him and brought him back in cuffs.

We drive down by the Rio Grande on the American side looking for a place to dump the horseshit and we find it too and begin to dump it when I spy a border patrol guy kind of watching the river for people swimming across, and wondering what the hell we're doing. I figure I better ask permission so he rolls down the window and I say would it cause an international scene if we dumped a handful of horse manure on America...he laughs and says go ahead so we do.

Then it's back across the bridge one more time but this time the Mexicans want to know what the solar panels and generator we're taking down REALLY are...and after I dance around doing the cutest damn impression of sunlight being magically turned into electricity to burn your toast, they get it. But then they want to know how much it cost, and like a dummy I tell the truth. Now they have no idea what anything costs and I could have said ten cents and they'd have believed it. They were as shocked at the price as I was when they told me how much I'd have to pay THEM...the horse was already another five hundred bucks.

They said I needed another broker and had to cross by a whole different bridge. Back we go again and this time the US agent who blocks your way says, How long you been in Mexico and doesn't like it when I say, "longer than the last two times today, about ten minutes". They show their displeasure by having you pop the hood so they can look at your engine. I don't know why they do that...there are engines everywhere and why they have to see THESE engines I don't know...but I pop the hood and we both stare at a pretty ordinary looking engine for about 30 seconds, then he waves us through.

I have to add that we had a replica Colt western model handgun with us, wrapped in a plastic bag on the floor. It looks real enough to fool anyone...we're taking it to hang on the wall of the house as a sort of cowboy thing, you, hats, horses, guns?? Now in Mexico there is NO good reason to have a handgun. They catch you with one and you go straight to nonsense about how you hunt Moose with a Berreta with silencer attached. There are signs all over the US side warning you not to take guns OR ammunition. Is our gun a gun? No it isn't, it's a good looking toy. But it could make some real trouble, and I don't know why I insisted on taking it and NOT declaring it. I suppose I wanted to see how quickly I'd wind up in jail in Mexico. Anyway, no one notices it and I don't offer any information.

So here we are with a load of solar stuff that's going to cost another five hundred in taxes and what not and mean another day. Except there is bridge number one and we haven't crossed that one yet. So we cross it and this time the panels and generator cost a fraction of what they did on bridge number two and we pay a few bucks and are finally across for good.

This morning we drive back from the motel in Monterey only to find out that the horse trailer has to be fumigated before entering the US. This is getting absurd, but there is another bridge so we try that one and as luck would have it a US agent who'd seen us cross and recross several times happened to be working this last bridge and he waves us through when they pull us over cause he knows we only spent a day in Mexico and couldn't be THAT disease ridden. Except we forgot to leave the damn gun in the motel so with a lot less to check we're worried the guy will find the gun, but he doesn't so we're here in Laredo at the Public Library waiting till tomorrow when we try to cross with the horse, and hope to god they don't find the gun a fifth try.

Mexico has its own rythm and crossing back and forth ten times a day between the two brands isn't the way to do it. But the hassles all fade away at the first good cold Mexican beer, well maybe the third.

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