Please Attack Appalachia

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Posted by Andreas from ( on Saturday, April 26, 2003 at 4:03AM :

Published on Thursday, April 24, 2003 by

Please Attack Appalachia
by Mike Bryan

Mr. President, please attack Appalachia.
You have promised the Iraqis that they will share in the wealth of their
oil. We could use some of that same sharing here. We have coal and timber
that is being extracted, yet very little of the profits remain in our area.

If the Iraqis are to share in the profits from their natural resources, we
would like to share in the profits from ours.
You have promised healthcare for all Iraqis. We could use the same thing
here. Far too many of us are without health insurance and adequate access to
good healthcare facilities. You have also promised to rebuild the schools in
Iraq. We too have schools that need rebuilt and that need more funding.

Certainly you can find a justification for attacking us. We have weapons of
mass destruction. Just go inspect the former uranium enrichment plant near
Piketon, Ohio. You will still find all sorts of radioactive waste on and
around that site. Test our waters. Test our ground. Test our air. You will
find an abundance of chemical and biological agents that could be used as
weapons. We literally live among them.

After all, Appalachia is America's third world. Terrorists are breeding
everywhere. Where there is poverty there is unrest. Where there is poor
education there is suspicion. Where there is neglect there is anger. As far
as potential dangers go, Appalachia should be near the top of your list.

Stomp out the bad before it turns thoroughly evil. Pre-emptively strike us
now before it becomes too late. Do it before we make something else out of
our fertilizer ingredients.

Since Appalachia is a highly religious area an attack could easily be
explained as the fulfillment of prophecy. Many here would even agree with
your need to attack us. In fact, we would probably help supply the troops.
Without any long-term energy strategy or alternative planning, once the oil
is gone the US will become increasingly dependent on coal and wood.

Appalachia has lots of that. Even today, the profitability of many US
businesses would be threatened if Appalachia refused to supply them with
electricity, coal, and other resources.
Can America afford to wait until a crisis is at hand before attacking
Appalachia? The decision is yours. You do not even have to involve the
United Nations since we are within US borders. You can go it alone.

The rest of the country will be fairly easy to convince about the need to
attack us. The national news media will surely rise to your side. Prejudice
against hillbillies already devalues our lives in comparison to those in the
rest of the country, so our devastation and casualties would have to be
nearly as high as in Iraq before anyone from outside Appalachia complains
too loudly. Besides, people here have lived as second-class citizens for so
long we now thoroughly expect to be treated as second-class citizens - and
the rest of the nation expects to treat us that way. How else could you
explain the relatively small outcry currently raised by our exceedingly high
unemployment rates, poor education, high pollution, poor healthcare, high
poverty, and poor leadership?
In fact, attacking us will probably help cement your re-election.

You might experience some local militia counterstrikes, but those will
probably be disorganized and minor. After all, Appalachia lacks any central
command, what with its being comprised of the parts of twelve states and
only the whole of one state. West Virginia could be your focus. Find someone
evil there to target, such as Jay Rockefeller.

He asked the FBI to investigate those forged documents you used to help
justify your war against Iraq. How embarrassing that must have been:
International Atomic Energy Agency Chief Mohamed ElBaradei addressed the UN
and publicly humiliated you by showing your assertion that Iraq was trying
to import uranium from Niger was based on crudely faked information. Someone
should pay for such an embarrassment and who better than a Democrat who is a

So Mr. President, you have all the elements you need: weapons of mass
destruction, a nearly third world enemy, potential terrorists, someone to
call evil, and an easy path to victory. Now all you have to do is attack.

And please, do it soon. We need the reparations, better schools, better
infrastructure, universal healthcare, and a fair share in the wealth of our
own resources.

You also promised Iraq democracy. We could use that here as well.
Please, Mr. President, attack Appalachia next.

Mike Bryan

-- Andreas
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