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Posted by Lilly from ? ( on Friday, May 17, 2002 at 3:44PM :

In Reply to: look Fred posted by Lilly from ? ( on Friday, May 17, 2002 at 3:31PM :

Just look at the way you spit on me, Fred, for even mentioning that I was raped. Look at it, & then realize that what you say about me feeds into my self-doubt, something I've accomodated since the 1st time someone locked me in a room & made me take off my clothes so she could touch me. I can't help it that I have so much self doubt.

I should have screamed for help all of those times, but I don't know - I was too shocked, I didn't see where she, then he, was going with this, & by the time I realized what was happening, that my words to "stop" & "I don't want to" & "no" went unheeded, I withdrew into myself & pretended like it wasn't happening. A locked door & a half-grown teenager are hard for a little girl to negotiate. & years later, a drink with a pill in it & a guy who claims that he can comfort me when I'm crying both continue the trend.

To this day, if someone pays me a compliment, I have this nagging thought in my mind that they don't know me, they don't know how "dirty," "tainted," "weak," & "disgusting" some people have made me, they don't know anything about me at all, so what does a compliment mean? Nothing. It means that they are complimenting some figment of their imagination.

-- Lilly
-- signature .

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