on "tough love"

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Posted by Lilly from ? ( on Tuesday, July 16, 2002 at 8:58PM :

In Reply to: Up Yours! posted by panch from pool0024.cvx20-bradley.dialup.earthlink.net ( on Tuesday, July 16, 2002 at 8:06PM :

that's what my exboyfriend called it when he found out I'd been raped. Thought he could "make me stonger" by calling me a "whore," "unclean," or a "slut." So, you see, Fred, I've been called these names before, & they were said to me in the spirit of immaturity, in the name of love. This guy told me he cared for me, but under his breath, I heard him mutter to himself, one night when I was crying to him about the incident, I heard him say "How could you sleep with anyone besides me?" as if I had a *choice*... & for the longest damn time, I blamed myself for the rape - it was *my* shame, no one else's - all because of some arrogant & immature jerk. I heard him say he was my friend & that what he said to me was because he cared for me, so I naively thought whatever he said was true.... I never slept with him, & he held it over my head until I figured out what he was up to.... for 4 years, he pretended to have nothing but good will toward me, pretended to give a damn about me, & then when I wouldn't sleep with him, because I was still traumatized, he calls me "slut," tells me I ought to get breast implants, tells me I'll never be good enough for anyone else to love. & when I cried for days about this, it took one of my closest girlfriends to figure out what was happening, & to point it out. But for the longest time, I couldn't see it... couldn't see that what he was doing to me was wrong.

& then, I had the opportunity to meet someone who became my closest male friend... who was kind, gentle, firm, not "tough," but very sensitive. As I grew closer to my new friend, I compared his actions to my ex-boyfriend's... I started to see what was wrong with the way my ex-boyfriend was treating me, & I realized how much it was hurting me. I started to want to become more & more like my new friend, that's how much I admired him. He didn't profess to know how to change people - but he created the desire in me to change my life, by being so nurturing.

So, you see, "tough love" is another name for violence... a violence that is practiced in order to control another person... manipulate him/her. Do you know how many people are now "walking dead" because of the jerks who've practiced "tough love" on them???

-- Lilly
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