Posted by panch from pool0349.cvx25-bradley.dialup.earthlink.net (126.96.36.199) on Wednesday, July 17, 2002 at 1:58AM :
In Reply to: on "tough love" posted by Lilly from ? (188.8.131.52) on Tuesday, July 16, 2002 at 8:58PM :
: that's what my exboyfriend called it when he found out I'd been raped. Thought he could "make me stonger" by calling me a "whore," "unclean," or a "slut."
+++Man, you know how to pick them. Must have been a toss up which guy you wanted to to take to the prom.
So, you see, Fred, I've been called these names before, & they were said to me in the spirit of immaturity, in the name of love.
++++Then you should feel right at home. I would remind you that you were the first to strip naked on the rooftop and wave your shorts around like it was a victory pennant.
This guy told me he cared for me, but under his breath, I heard him mutter to himself, one night when I was crying to him about the incident, I heard him say "How could you sleep with anyone besides me?" as if I had a *choice*... & for the longest damn time, I blamed myself for the rape
+++You still do...you always will...you made it a part of you. That ain't "tough love"...it's tough shit.
- it was *my* shame, no one else's - all because of some arrogant & immature jerk. I heard him say he was my friend & that what he said to me was because he cared for me, so I naively thought whatever he said was true
++++How you can go through this stuff over and over....
.... I never slept with him, & he held it over my head until I figured out what he was up to.... for 4 years,
+++He held "it" over your head for FOUR YEARS??? What did you think he did that for??? Maybe HE didn't know what to do with it either!
he pretended to have nothing but good will toward me, pretended to give a damn about me, & then when I wouldn't sleep with him, because I was still traumatized, he calls me "slut," tells me I ought to get breast implants, tells me I'll never be good enough for anyone else to love. & when I cried for days about this, it took one of my closest girlfriends to figure out what was happening, & to point it out.
+++I think I'm gonna throw up. Well , did you get implants? Sorry, I figured it was an important part of the sage and I was supposed to ask.
But for the longest time, I couldn't see it... couldn't see that what he was doing to me was wrong.
++++Tell me something...do you make this stuff up each time...do you get the material from somewhere? It's not particularly imaginative except that you imagine it's believeable.
: & then, I had the opportunity to meet someone who became my closest male friend... who was kind, gentle, firm, not "tough," but very sensitive.
+++And where did this paragon of firmness hang it?
As I grew closer to my new friend, I compared his actions to my ex-boyfriend's... I started to see what was wrong with the way my ex-boyfriend was treating me, & I realized how much it was hurting me.
If you don't sound like a "Dear Abbey" candidate...and I suppose right about now is when Stella thinks..."that Fred, how can he BE so insensitive".
I started to want to become more & more like my new friend, that's how much I admired him. He didn't profess to know how to change people - but he created the desire in me to change my life, by being so nurturing.
+++Here's a suggestion...just a suggestion mind you...no coercion no tough anything, just a gentle admonition to cut the crap...that's all.
+++ANYONE...and I mean ANYONE...who has gone through half of the things you treat us to every three and a half weeks, would never...repeat, never...speak of them as you do.
: So, you see, "tough love" is another name for violence... a violence that is practiced in order to control another person... manipulate him/her.
+++How is telling you to go to hell "manipulating you". Do I lift you up bodily and run to the nearest volcano...have I sent a truck round for you...have I sent anyone to force you there? No. Out of compassion and deep concern for the cruel vicissitudes of life, I've suggested a change of scenery is all. I never subjected you to "tough love". There is no such thing...it's either "love" or it ain't.
Do you know how many people are now "walking dead" because of the jerks who've practiced "tough love" on them???
++++Well I know of one huge jerkesse who's about killed me practising bull shit . Who do you know?
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